A Real Man
by KnightMysterio
Summary: Shampoo is out on another exercise in futility while Cologne and Mousse share their mutual frustations about Ranma.  Meanwhile, Nabiki makes a plan that will change the lives of the Tendos, Saotomes, and Amazons forever...


_**A Real Man**_

_**By KnightMysterio**_

_All characters are copyrighted to their original owners and are used without permission for non-profit amusement reasons. Takes place after the fiasco of a wedding in the manga, and includes elements from both the anime and the manga. I apologize if Mousse, Shampoo, and Cologne seem out-of-character in this or later chapters, but this is just the impression I got from them. Part 1 of 5._

"(text)" Translated from Mandarin Chinese

_Nerima…  
Cat Café…  
After hours…_

Mousse sighed as he stared at himself in the mirror. He pulled off his glasses and reached down to a hidden drawer in his rather sparsely furnished room. He opened it and pulled out a small container, reluctantly opening it and putting the contents, a pair of contact lenses, in his eyes.

Almost immediately, his vision cleared. He sighed, and looked himself over. "(Well… I actually have the damn things…)" he said, "(If nothing else, I won't have to worry about those idiotic glasses… At least, when I can actually afford them…)"

He sighed, and went downstairs. Cologne sat on a table, staring idly out a window into the cloudy sky and smoking a pipe. His beloved, Shampoo, was nowhere to be found.

"(Elder Cologne, where is Shampoo?)" he asked.

Cologne gave the handsome young man an amused look. "(Elder? Heh, you must be very depressed. You're never respectful unless you're in a down mood. I see you finally got the contacts.)"

Mousse frowned. "(They were a pity present from that lunatic girl, Kodachi Kuno. She said she 'respected my pursuit of romance' and wanted to give me a better chance at winning Shampoo. I think she just wants me to try harder so she won't have to compete with Shampoo anymore.)"

Cologne chuckled, and looked back out the window. "(That sounds about right.)"

"(Speaking of Shampoo…)"

Cologne sighed, and looked over to a kettle of water heating up on the stove, visible through the main order window of the restaurant. "(She was supposed to have come back from a late delivery by now. My guess is that she spotted Ranma and decided to try again… I hope she gets back before it starts raining, she didn't take the umbrella with her…)"

Mousse flinched, as if pained. "(Damn it all… I wish she'd realize that Ranma just is not worth the effort. Ranma actually agreeing to go through the wedding should have been her first clue…)"

Cologne sighed. "(Mousse… I have explained this to you before, and I shall explain this to you again. Shampoo has no choice in the matter. Ranma, an outsider male, has defeated her. By the laws of our people she has to make him her husband. No matter how she feels otherwise…)"

Mousse shook his head. "(I just wish she could see Saotome for what he truly is. He's no man at all, the bastard.)"

Cologne gave him an amused look. "(This coming from someone who used the invincibility glasses to try and defeat him.)"

Mousse glared at her. "(And then RANMA went back and used every other protection for the weak just to prove he can outdo me! He's selfish, he's petty, he's… damn it all, he's a no-good dirty rotten bastard!)"

Cologne glared at him. "(Mousse, enough,)" she said.

Mousse ignored her, his fury riled up. He began to pace back and forth, ranting on, "(It's SICKENING what he does, not just to Shampoo, but to Akane Tendo, that Ukyo girl, and Kodachi! He strings all of them on, giving them false hopes, taking what he wants from them and leaving them waiting for something they'll never get! All because he's too cowardly or too obsessed with the attention to make the final choice! I thought he was finally starting to realize his mistakes when he agreed to go through with the wedding to Akane, but after the whole mess collapsed, he went right back to his old ways! ) RAGH!!"

Cologne's eyes narrowed. "(Stop it, Mousse….)"

Mousse ignored her again. He paced about, waving his arms angrily, as he ranted on. "(Shampoo once told me that Ranma was a real man. HA!! She hasn't seen some of the things Ranma does as a girl, but I have! He parades about in his girl-type form, teasing men and conning free treats out of them, flashing her chest like a whore! Ranma Saotome is as much a man as my cursed form is a dinosaur!)"

"(ENOUGH!)" Cologne snapped, her voice loud enough to startle Mousse into silence. She sighed, and shook her head. "(Mousse, I share your frustrations about Ranma. He is a child in many ways, and has a lot to learn. But our laws are our laws. And neither you, Shampoo, or I can change them.)"

"(It's a stupid law,)" Mousse said, his voice tinged with bitterness as he shook his head, sitting down on one of the empty chairs in the dining room, "(And stupid laws are meant to be broken.)"

Cologne snarled angrily, "(Don't you think I hate this too? Don't you think I hate seeing my great-granddaughter cry herself to sleep every night because she can't win the heart of some stupid outlander? More and more I see Shampoo doubting herself. She tries everything short of outright WHORING herself to him, and still he rebuffs her!)" Cologne shook her head, tears in her eyes as she glared at the younger Amazon, who was looking at the floor, unable to meet the elder's fierce gaze. She sighed, and said, "(One night, she came to me and asked me if she was ugly. My beautiful, beautiful great-granddaughter, thinking herself ugly… )"

"(Ridiculous… Shampoo is heaven incarnate, a work of art greater than everything in the world…)" Mousse said, shaking his head.

Cologne just nodded. "(The pain I felt that night… The pain in my great-granddaughter's face… It is beyond anything I had ever felt before…)"

Mousse stared at Cologne in shock, and said, ")Why didn't she come to me? She knows that I would do anything for her, to make her happy…)"

"(Happy with you, you mean,)" Cologne said.

When Mousse didn't respond right away, Cologne looked over at him. To her surprise, the boy's shoulders were shaking, tears flowing steadily down his face. His hand was held underneath his face, the contact lenses falling out after a moment.

"(Mousse?)"

Mousse looked up, his tear-streaked face a mask of internal anguish. "(Elder… Elder at this point, I'm willing to settle for Shampoo being happy with ANYONE… I love her. I love her more than my own life, my own soul. And I know, my own stubborn refusal to keep my glasses on and me constantly mistaking other things for her didn't help my chances with her… But I just want her to see ME. I just want her to see how I feel, how much I am willing to give for her. And this pain she is in, the pain she suffers because of that bastard Ranma…)"

Cologne shook her head. "(Go home, Mousse… Absolutely no one in the village would hold it against you at this point if you left. You're a handsome boy, and I'm sure there are many other women who would love to have you. You chase something that you cannot have…)" she said.

"(Aren't the two of you doing the same?)" Mousse snapped angrily.

Cologne had no answer for him.

After a moment, Mousse said, "(I will never leave her, Cologne. I will never betray her. Even if she does fall for someone else, I will always be there for her. No matter what.)"

At that moment, they both heard a light meowing, and something pawing at the doors of the restaurant. Both Cologne and Mousse, startled, looked up, realizing that it had begun raining without their notice.

Mousse opened the door and let in a sopping wet cat with pink fur. "Oh my poor, soaked Shampoo," Mousse said in Japanese, picking up the cat and hugging her, "Please, give me the honor of drying you off!"

Shampoo just gave the lovesick young man a tired look and bit him. He yelped, dropping the cat, who landed easily on her feet and shook herself off. Cologne gave him an irritated look and grabbed her cane, pogoing over to the kettle and bringing it over.

"(She has to get wet again, foolish boy,)" she said, pouring the kettle's hot contents over Shampoo. The cat yelped reflexively, her body swelling out and turning human, becoming a nude, athletic young girl with purple hair.

Mousse stepped forward, producing a towel from his sleeves. He blushed, embarrassed at his seemingly uncontrollable glomping reflex. "(Shampoo, I'm sorry…)" he said in Mandarin.

Shampoo wordlessly took the towel from him. Tears were in her eyes, a tired, hopeless expression on her face. She wrapped the towel around herself, and started for the stairs.

Mousse grabbed her shoulder, desperation evident on his face. "(Shampoo, please…)"

Shampoo brushed his hand away without turning around. "(Mousse…)" she said, her voice hollow, "(I can't deal with you right now… Please, just leave me alone…)"

Without another word, she went upstairs, Mousse staring after her helplessly. After a few moments, the sound of her crying reached the two of them.

Mousse started towards the stairs, but Cologne held out her cane, holding him back. She shook her head sadly. Mousse gave her a rebellious glare, but eventually relented. He collapsed on a chair and began to sob himself.

Cologne sighed. "(Go home, Mousse... It will spare you a lot of heartache in the end…)" she said.

"(Never,)" he said softly.

Cologne just shook her head sadly, walking up the stairs to comfort her great-granddaughter, leaving the boy to his misery.

_Tendo Dojo…  
Nabiki's Room…_

Nabiki yipped as Ranma burst into her room.

"Ranma, what are you…!" Nabiki started to say.

"I can't take this anymore," Ranma said, pacing nervously around Nabiki's room, "That damn Amazon…"

Nabiki chuckled, finally getting the hint. "Let me guess. Shampoo got a little over-affectionate towards you in front of Akane, which resulted in her usual reaction."

Ranma shook his head. "Damn fiancées… Just as I'm trying to get serious about my relationship with Akane, too…"

Nabiki scoffed. "Since when are you serious?"

Ranma glared at her. "I love your sister. Heaven knows why, but I love that uncute, short-tempered, kitchen-wrecking tomboy. I want to make this work between us. I've got a plan on how to let Kodachi and Ukyo down easy, but I can't figure out how to deal with Shampoo."

Nabiki frowned. "Why are you telling me this?"

Ranma sighed, and pulled a large wad of money out of his pocket, tossing it onto her desk. "That's everything I have. Get Shampoo out of my hair. At this point, I don't care what you have to do."

Nabiki's eyes flashed, her hands automatically snapping up the money and counting it. She grinned viciously. "Whatever it takes, eh?"

"I want this to work. I really want this to work," Ranma said.

Nabiki looked into the martial-artist's eyes and saw the truth there. She sighed, and handed back half of the money she had been given.

Ranma gave her an incredulous look. "You're actually giving BACK money?"

Nabiki smiled, her rare warm smile. "Special discount for finally deciding to be a man about this. Now shoo. The Nerima Mercenary needs to work her magic," she said, making a brush-off gesture with her hands.

Ranma frowned, but nodded, deciding to trust Nabiki to know what was best. He left the room, shutting the door behind him. Nabiki rubbed her hands together eagerly and pulled a black, unlabeled ledger out of a hidden drawer on her desk.

"Okay, let's see…" she said, idly thumbing through the names, "Who can I use to help get Shampoo out of our hair…? Ah hah. She'll be PERFECT!"

_Elsewhere in Nerima…_

Miyo, Furinkan High School's resident mystic diviner, sighed as she cleaned up her house. She didn't get as many people coming over for tarot readings anymore, but she was content. She debated asking that mousy young man Gosunkugi out on a date, but like many of the men at the school, he seemed fixated on Akane.

No matter. She could be patient.

A sudden wind blew through her room, scattering her deck of tarot cards and a few papers next to her crystal ball, a pair of small knives she used in rituals falling off a nearby table. She grumbled softly, and went over to close the open window. She then went over to pick up the knives and the scattered cards. However as she did, she paused.

Out of the entire deck, only the Tower and Death cards had landed face up. The knives had landed on them, pinning them in the inverted position. Underneath the two cards was a receipt from the last time she had eaten at the Cat Café.

A chill ran up Miyo's spine. Something bad was going to happen soon, she was certain… Something directly involving the Amazons at the Cat Café.

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
